Stupid, Raunchy Romans....

Last night, I decided to show a Time/Life documentary on the Roman Empire to my Humanities 201 class. On Tuesday, I picked it up from our department library, read the sleeve jacket (nodding my head approvingly), and watched a segment on Pompeii to make sure it was interesting and historically relevant. Come class time, I popped that sucker in for my 35 bright-eyed students, and waited for educational enlightenment to distill upon us all like dew from heaven. Only 10 minutes or so into the presentation, a frazzled, fluffy-haired English scholar appeared to discuss the bloody gladiatorial contests that occurred in the Colosseum. After a series of astonishing and violent facts, he then explicated how the gladiators were considered the most virile of men and were often given nick-names describing their "manly" abilities, i.e "Netter of Young Ladies," and "Bedroom Conqueror," etc. He continued, "In fact, the word gladius, which forms the root of the word gladiator, means sword or penis. Thus, the successful gladiator wielded himself, effectively, as an erect penis." I blush even writing it. Imagine me in the back, slinking down lower and lower in my seat as I watched this, as an authority figure, with 35 BYU students. Now, I'm just as apt as the next to discuss phallic symbols or the parallels of sex and violence in popular culture, but the man said #&%*@ *%$@^, for the love! "A fluke," I thought to myself, "it couldn't possibly get worse than phallic gladiators"......and then came Pompeii.

Now, if you'll remember, Pompeii was violently destroyed and paradoxically preserved by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 C.E. Consequently, we have a remarkable archaeological record of Roman daily life, preserved for centuries beneath 20 feet of ash. Of all the varied and interesting daily life occurrences the Time/Life people could have chosen to explore, they chose the brothels. Brothels!!! Luckily (to the scarring of my students and, frankly, me), the wrath of Vesuvius preserved frescoes vividly depicting the "specialty" of each whore, as depicted enticingly above each "stall." Not one image, but several passed on the screen, all in an instant, not even enough time for me to run from the back screaming for them to avert their innocent eyes. "Are they actually showing?......?.....Oh, my ......Yep...I ....Oh....What are they doing?......Oh......OH!.......gross, really really gross." I have nothing else to say other than that I traumatized my sweet children for life by exposing them to Roman fresco porn. Stupid, raunchy Romans. What a fine educator I've turned out to be....