On Saturday, Mike and I fell onto our white, downy comforter and slipped into heavy afternoon slumber in the falling orange light. Jude slept soundly in the next room, and the universe aligned momentarily. When I awoke, purple twilight had crept in between the slats of our blinds, filling the room with the stillness of a dying day. The traffic passed in muffled whooshes by our window, and Mike slept quietly next to me as I lay sleeplessly taking in the evening. Despite the calm surroundings, worry welled up in me, divided between two subjects.
My brother-in-law broke up with his girlfriend at the beginning of the week, startling himself and everyone else. We adored her, thought she was the perfect fit for him and the family. She fought for him to no avail. I've felt sad about it all week, worried about how she is doing, feeling vicariously the helplessness of unrequited love, of having no recourse, of having to start all over again. I lay there wishing I could change his mind, turn back time, undo the damage of the decision. It still sits like a heavy ogre on my back, this sudden loss.
Alternately, I worried about the characters in Battle star Galactica, a show Mike and I have been watching (don't judge us...and, yes, I judge us.). Captain Apollo has been depressed since his plane crashed in the fight with the Cylons, and Dr. Baltar inexplicably gave a nuclear weapon to the enemy. Why? Why, why why? Not to mention, the President of the Colonies has been dying of cancer and there is no person as capable of leading this rag-tag bunch of survivors.
And then my worried moved back to the break-up. And then back to Captain Apollo.
I know this is ridiculous, but both subjects felt heavy and oppressive. In the stillness of our bedroom, I wiped tears from my face and cuddled up next to sleeping Mike (and no, I am not pregnant again).
Again, and again, I come up against this thing in myself that grasps at control, at feeling like I can organize and shape forces beyond my ability to manipulate. Like love between others. Like the whims of fantasy writers. Like what will happen tomorrow and the next day and the next. And again, and again I have to relinquish. Loosen my grip. Remember that such control is an illusion I can't afford to maintain. Remember what Jeremiah says about trusting, about becoming a tree by the waters who cannot cease from yielding fruit, her leaves unceasingly green.
Even though I still wish that my brother-in-law would take one for the team. And that Dr. Baltar would stop-it-already with his Cylon sympathies.
23 hours ago
10 comments:
LOL. I love this post. Mostly because I have serious control issues myself. But also because I found myself worrying about Lost characters far too frequently.
Well, I'm gald your busy worrying about the big stuff so I can focus on the small stuff...you know...like fighting world hunger.
The part about your brother-in-law sudden break up made me cry fresh tears. Don't worry, they are the healing kind of tears.
I just think to be related to you would be bliss.
You are a beautiful person.
Control is an illusion, isn't it? Imagine what our worries would be like if we really did have the control we sometimes wish for.
Beautiful writing again, dear!!! Thanks.
Oh, worry. Oh, control. Indeed, sister.
And worry over TV characters is such an odd thing, isn't it? I do it, too. I feel like calling it a symptom of our age, or something dramatic. But it probably just means those folks are doing a good job of making, well, art.
In Amanda's words to me some time ago, "It's the hormonies." And no you don't have to be pregnant. I used to cry in the middle of the night in the little yellow house worrying about nuclear holocaust or if the Yellowstone caldera was going to erupt and vaporize my little family.
It doesn't matter how silly it may seem, the tears and the worry are real. Just know that it isn't a permanent condition;o) I think it's a gift of compassion we as women are given from a loving Heavenly Father. Perhaps we can more fully appreciate how His heart must break over the decisions we make.
Emily, what a beautiful post. It's true. I love moments like that where I don't have anything to worry about except the "little" things that we seem to blow up in our minds. I'm sorry for your brother-in-law and his ex though. How sad. I HATED that part of being single. Did you get my blog invite? I sent it to you the same day so I hope I put in the right email address. ps. your baby is delightful. So glad I could finally meet him in person last week.
I am sorry about the lost sister-in-law, but I can't stop thinking about how seriously problematic Balthar is in Battlestar Galactica. No one contributes more to the extinction and salvation of humanity... and that relates to control, right?
You really have a way with words. Worrying is an art, isn't it. Too bad it too often results in more stress and worry. I, too, often wish I had control and then have to remember that to control everyone was not the PLAN.
Hmmm, really? Battle Star Galactica? I cannot imagine even remotely liking a show like that, but if Emily likes it...maybe I'll give it a shot.
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