Every night, before I place Jude in his crib, I rock him in the quiet darkness of his room. He lays his small head against my shoulder and his body becomes sleep-heavy and I rock back and forth. Every night I weep. I weep because he is my son. I weep because he is small, because the blonde wisps of his hair tickle my neck, because his small hands rest on my shoulders. I weep because he is mine, because he will grow, because his body will unfurl into that of man's and lose its softness. Motherhood, it feels, is a slow goodbye to the first softness-to that first wonder of ourness, to that first wild pang of self becoming other. How to embrace it?
How strange it is that Jude has a will. That he goes here or there, that he wants to eat that (mango!)or not that (peas!) (at which point he spits and spews whatever it is all over me). I wonder if God is ever astonished at the divergence of his childrens' wills--if Adam's choice to fall is not still a dark wound in the heart of God.
I never knew I could love so deeply or feel such ache at the passage of time. When did my baby become a boy?
10 comments:
I agree that the day you see your baby turn into a little boy is a dark day in the hearts of mothers. It makes me dread the day when I'll know I'm having our last child and thinking "I'll never experience this again". I think the only consolation is knowing that as they unfold into men/women, we will also see their testimonies and love for the Lord grow as well. Enjoy your little boy because with the little heart aches come many sore faces from laughing and smiling so much.
He's wonderful. You're wonderful. And "wonder of ourness" is my new favorite phrase in the world.
Em I know you don't want to hear this but he is getting so big. The other day I realized that Liam has doubled his birth weight and it just makes me so sad to think how much he has grown in just four short months. Michael's dad always says next thing you know they'll be going on a mission and I do not like that idea at all! Because I know how very true it is.
beautiful! And I didn't feel like this with my little girl, but I worry each day that my son will someday grow too independent and strong to need his mama.
That is really beautiful. I already have these concerns and I haven't even had my baby yet...
I adore this post, Em. You capture my feelings [which I've been trying to pen for 5 years] exactly. Thank you.
You got me all choked up.
By the way...Jude's hair looks exactly like Fin's right now -blonde baby wisps.
I'm faclempt :)
i cried a little bit reading this. i hugged g so so so tight this morning because i could ... because he's mine ... and because i dream about his face when i close my eyes. i don't want to let him go. i love that boy. jude and g need to hang out and never frow old together.
or never GROW old together
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